Apologies for the delay Sweets, so thanks for welcoming me back.
Let’s take a quick glimpse back down memory lane as a tribute to this throwback Thursday. Just imagine. It’s a beautiful sunny summer day, and a young woman has been waiting all week for her special someone. They plan on driving a few hours to the nearest beach. She’s been busy with school. He’s been busy working his ass off, and they are both missing each other. She makes sure to have scrubbed her whole body down with a very nice scented body scrub, purified with a face mask, put extra lip balm on to ensure her lips are smooth and supple. She’s planned the outfit, a backless peach colored halter top, jean shorts and flip-flops. She’s planned on wearing her hair down at first, but is wearing her ponytail holder around her wrist so she can put her long hair up later to tease him with a better view of her neck. She makes sure to spray his favorite perfume behind each earlobe. Her make up is light and flattering. She has pampered herself, feels good and looks amazing. For her, feeling good about herself is essential for the day ahead.
He, on the other hand, is a simple kind of guy. He has taken a nice long warm shower, where he uses a body wash that leaves behind a very masculine musky yet light aroma. She’s commented on how much she likes the smell when she’s snuggled up close in the past, and he wants her to feel the same today. He gels his hair lightly, shaves his face down smooth, especially around his lips. He is thinking of how many kisses he wants to steal today among other things. Wait, he slows the thinking down. He can’t get too worked up yet. He makes sure he grabs some cash from the nearest atm, and is prepared to splurge his hard-earned money on any darling little knick knack she wants to pick out at the seashell store or any other trinket that makes her smile. He, himself, can’t wait for the big bread bowl of clam chowder at their favorite spot. For him, food is essential to the day ahead.
He swings by to pick her up, and the moment he lays eyes on her, he is immediately reminded of why he is so into her. She is all the woman he needs and wants. The minute she lays her eyes on him, she is immediately comforted and feels protected. When she steps into his car, she feels like she is with her own personal bodyguard. She is free to be her sexy self, to flirt, to make extra eye contact, to touch his arm as he drives, and to know he feels just as attracted as he slides his hand off the steering wheel and right onto the top of her left thigh, near the knee with most of his fingers dangling on the inner side of that thigh. It’s an exchange of finely choreographed moments of intimacy and tests. Whether it was initiated first by him or her, the most important thing is that the yearning for touch has been reciprocated. These tiny moments distinguish the pace and flow of exchanges that follow between them. And you guessed it, when I say them, it means me and my bae. That was us in the beginning. We literally fell in love at the beach. What better place than one that provides so much opportunity to see skin, feel skin and use all senses.
You see, touch is a love language and human need. Since we are born, we are placed in our mother, father, doctor or nurse’s arms. The first moments of life are filled with touch. It is a built-in biological need, and research has proven that if we don’t receive this touch, our development is stunted. While much research is focused on childhood development, we must also consider how we continue to grow into adulthood and older adulthood. Touch is a necessity, not a luxury. In Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, physical touch is listed as a love language onto itself. If you are someone who tends to seek a lot of physical closeness, touch or affection and perhaps also shows love this way, your love language may be through touch. Follow the link to find more info on how to understand and utilize your love language in relationships here.
Now, what happens when blockages occur? What happens when we miss a cue; when he doesn’t notice her hand on his arm while driving, because he is too busy road raging? What happens when he later tries to place his hand in that familiar place on her leg, but now she doesn’t care and looks off in the distance to de-stress from the traffic. What happens when life’s little nuances get in the way, when people unexpectedly call or knock on the door, interrupting a nice moment? How do we recover? What if our your jobs take us away too long and we begin to adapt to more loneliness? What if we just can’t juggle it all today, and we have to prioritize other things? What then? How do we recover a sense of intimacy that leads to fulfilling sex? Can we have fulfilling sex without intimacy?
Let me start by saying, we must take this one step at a time. Not all answers come at once. For today, let’s focus on how touch can help bring back intimacy and make sex much more fulfilling. Also, let’s keep in mind the personal boundaries of our partner. Ask your partner where they don’t like to be touched. This may seem counterproductive, but trust me, this one is huge. Some people have areas or zones of their body, face or head where they just don’t like to be touched. The reasons are as varied as there are people. If your partner hates being touched in a specific spot, believe them and try your best to stay away from that zone. Picture orange construction cones and tape around that area, and don’t get too close unless she or he leads you there. Respecting your partner’s boundaries is essential in building trust, thereby building intimacy. Don’t assume that if you like it, he or she will, or that just because a previous partner liked it, this one will too. Treat your lover like a fresh new territory to be explored slowly, until you are invited in with hurried passion.
Now, I want to speak to my ladies for a moment. I never seem to hear enough about moments like those in movies like “The Notebook”. There’s this story of young love, romance in an era where life seemed a lot slower and raging hormones flailing around. Ladies, yes, passionate love affairs do happen in real life that make you feel like the starring role in a romantic drama. However, we can’t actually exist in that kind of passion day after day. In time it would destroy our lives, so let the fantasy be a fantasy. Stop trying to force men to know how to replay this on a daily basis. Be more realistic, and learn to appreciate the little moments that sometimes lead to big passionate displays. Try to appreciate the little gestures more and use your imagination, and communicate either verbally or through body language what your sexual needs are. There is no roadmap for men to know how to set us on fire each and every time we have sex, and not each time we have sex will feel like love-making. It’s just a reality. Nothing that feels perfect lasts forever, but there are some ways of making forever feel a little more perfect.
Men, let me holla at ya. Please, please, please provide a little more attention than you’re giving. Remember, your dick isn’t the only one driving the sex machine. It takes two to tango, and for the most part women crave your special attention. This is very different from nodding and saying yeah babe. Use those senses. Notice her scent, any new little things she has done to herself, for herself or by herself; new nail color, hairdo, tasty meal, career accomplishment, new perspective shared. She is a whole human being, not just a body to service a sexual need. Notice the wholeness of her persona and show her you do.
How? How? How?
Keep an open mind, and start exploring again. Here is a link for ideas on some fun sexy games courtesy of Redbook magazine. It has great ideas, things like each partner writing down a fantasy and pulling them from a jar like a raffle. This way, everyone gets a turn to have their fantasy fulfilled or at least considered. There’s a game where you can use a simple timer, or even the timer on your phone to pick some type of foreplay (kissing on the neck etc.). for a specific amount of time. This is a fun way of slowing down the pace, getting yourself or your lady really warmed up before the real action ever begins. What a way to build the passion and momentum. Want to get a little Fifty Shades? Hey, watch the movie together and hit the pause button as soon as you are feeling the heat rise and let it take you where it takes you. Not your style? That’s okay. You obviously have access to the internet if you are reading this post, so do some researching of your own. Feel free to post your comments below on what you have found. Have fun with it.
As far as using touch to build intimacy and show affection in positive ways. If you are in a long-term relationship, you may already know a lot of your partner’s preferences and boundaries. If you are in a somewhat new relationship, take courage and ask if they’d like this or that. If you feel trusting, make a light attempt and see if the person receives it openly. Make eye contact, or watch body language for clues that he or she is pleased. Stop immediately, if the person says words like stop and no. If the person smiles, giggles flirtatiously or reciprocates, then you can use your own judgement. Here is a list of some other ideas to consider, but again remember that you need to have permission or really know that your partner is welcoming to it.
- Hold hands, even if you are just at home, in the car or walking around running errands. Show you care and that you are happy to show togetherness.
- While you eat, let your foot touch your partners without pulling away. This helps show trust and comfort in contact.
- Don’t promise a massage with no strings attached if you really are hoping to get laid. Just tell the truth, and say something like “I’m happy to give you a back rub, or foot rub…but I can’t promise that it won’t turn me on a little. I may want to rub more than just your back afterward, but I promise not to pressure you if you aren’t up to it. “
- When you are at a get-together or with family or friends, remember to come in close to your partner and put your arm around him/her to let them know you are so happy they are with you.
- Sneak a kiss on the cheek or forehead when things are moving quickly, but you want to keep that connection alive. Little moments add up to lots of intimacy.
- When you open the door for your partner, lightly touch their low back as they walk on through. This can be a very sexy gesture. They may not show they noticed it, but trust me they will.
- Whoever is home first, please greet your partner every once in a while at the door with a big hug and kiss ready.
- Smile and make eye contact from afar, like you did when you were first interested in him or her.
- If you bring your partner something, let a part of your body run against him or her as you walk away. Send that message that no one will ever be as sexy and available to him or her as you are.
- Hands, legs, fingers and toes are incredible tools. Practice running them in as many places as you can think of before, during and even after sex.
Remember, touch is an essential part of our biological make up. Really practice this part of your love language to build that intimacy. A quickie is such a different kind of sexual act when it includes lots of fantasy like touching. If done well, the movies will just be movies, but your own memories will be a legendary reel you can play over and over in your mind anytime you like;)
Until next time,
‘Cause if your love looks like hate, it could be a mistake!